opps. there go my knickers

i have not pooped in four days..this...is an issue..a HUGE issue.
so i resolved that issue..right quick.

8PM - laxatives. + 40 oz of water.

 

1030PM - a nice jog...let me rumble up all those goodies.

1035PM - i killed my jogging partner with the farts steaming out my butt hole.

 

i have owned that red hat with the face on it.. + braids == since the age of 3. i know..how can such a delicious smell come out of my butt hole when i have such a caute hat ...i think about that every morning i masturbate

 

that is what your butt hole looks like when it farts..if you are a girl. i say girl because i drew a vagina.

VAA GINNNNN AAAAAAAAAAA. i like saying it like that.

 

that is what a dude looks like when he farts. the butt hole smiles.. i have seen it happen.

i go to bed..my stomach is in rumbles..i am like...tomorrow morning will be a great one.

it will probably be like a gospel church in my stomach...

yeah..just the thought of that makes me smile.

aww. yep.

so.

i get up to go pee.

ohwhat..you do not see what happened?

 

AN OPPPPPPPPPPPPS happened. 

that brown mark. i think it is a poop smudge.

after i saw it..since my knickers were already off..since that is how i crap. no pants. no knickers.

i smelled it.

tasted it.

i just could not tell.

it tasted like thanksgiving dinner to me.

so after i peed..i kept thinking..great..if i go back to bed...will i wake up with a puddle of poo.

so i went back to bed to test my experiment.

hoping i would be swimming when i woke up..

BUT NOTHING. :O|

so i woke up and...

 

who wants to come over for a party?

 

it felt so good. so good that i took the mirror out of the drawer

and watched each drop shoot out of my butt.

everyone should get a joy watching their own sludge drip.

drip

drip

 

fondu party any one;)

drippN phlegm

as i sit here and cough up giant hard booger balls stuck in my chest..that taste disgusting.
you know how you sometimes have to do that in the morning..
something is stuck in your throat..
so you are trying..with all your might...to hack up the hard snot covered in phlegm...by contracting your throat...and trying push it up your throat..
and than..it happens..it finally comes up..
and the taste....is like...the smell of someones breathe that has had their mouth closed for a month.
yes.
that is the brilliant taste i am speaking of.

i go back to the other day...
when this happened
boogers needed to go

 

so i spit them out in the trash..

except...they did not make it...at all...so as i saw my loogy drifting to the ground

because it drifted...since spit was still stuck to my lip

 

the next thing you know.

the janitor comes out in me..

and tries to catch the phlegm ball of hard booger loogy

 

and...SUCCESS.

ohyes. if you could be successful at catching your arm accidentally spit boogies in your bare hand.

why would you not want to try.

and as it dripped down my fingers i thought to myself..

this is gross.

i should have just spit directly into the trash can..because no one was around..for me to impress...

with my booger into the trash can aim.

the next time i am standing next to an attractive lady..i will try and shoot my loogy 4 feet into a garbage pale..

and when i make it...do not be too impressed...since i practice;)

poop bomb explosion

so yesterday i get to work..everything is going great!
why? because there are no kids in the building..it is election day after all..only for big kids.
ohyes..BIG KIDS...meaning - you are potty trained....
or i would hope so.

as i walk passed the principal..he says to me....some woman made a little accident in the girls room....i am not sure how little it is...and i said..smiling, "alright, it is no big problem"..
and as i look over at the girls bathroom...fifty feet down the hall..i notice a woman..
dressed in all black...what a wonderful black satin looking jump suit...

i am like..BINGOOOO.
she is playing with her phone..probably telling everyone she knows about her "boo boo"
because after telling ANYONE about this...and admitting to actually leaving that "boo boo" there....she would probably tell everyone of this experience.

the moment i see her.
"oh baby, i am so sorry" - poop girl
"it is alright, this is my job!" - me
"mmm jesus, i made a boo boo" - her
"oh i am sure i have seen worse, it really is no problem" - me
"you have not seen what i did yet that is why you can say that" - her
"it is fine" - me
"i can help you clean it up if you want" - her
"it is fine! i really do not mind" - me
"mm baby, i made a huge boo boo..oh jesus, please forgive me...and it is just not in the one stall..i had to get up and run to the other stall.." - her
 

...good...because i would TOTALLY....while crapping my pants off....run into another stall..hoping someone else did not just walk in the bathroom...as my vagina is blowing in the wind..
AND..as there is probably a caramel creme pie on top of my butt cheeks.

 

more accurate picture of what her vagina would look like..in the wind

well. so here went nothing..i walk in..well this is not too bad...the smell is alright...

until i start checking random stalls..gooood..my favourite

what do i see.

diarrhea....CRAP EXPLOSION. 

this is what must have happened..

oh my stomach hurts..

WHOOAAA MY STOMACH HURTS.

run.run.run.run.

stall..

and pull down pants..and

whoops

yep. everywhere but inside...

pools..POOOOL. of poop. if you can imagine swimming in a thick delicious mmmm. while trying not to get anything in your mouth...than you know..exactly what i am talking about.

poop speckled onto the back wall...and blotted on each side of the stall walls...

a trail of crap along the toilet and all over the floor...

misted onto the toilet seat..

and my favourite..

a poool of crap along the back of the toilet..that i will now have the privilege of dolloping it off.

i wish i had a spoon...so i could have ..no..that is disgusting.

:O

i just want everyone to know that ..had i done this..in a public restroom. i probably would have cleaned it myself with the paper toweling in the washroom...and than i would have told someone that something smells and to disinfect something....that is what i would have done.

JUST SAYIN.

well lady. say your sorrys to jesus all you want..

BUT I HAD TO CLEAN UP YOUR CRAP EXPLOSION. NOT JESUS.

his hands were currently tied up in doing something else.

let me not forget to add...

she left while looking back at me..after getting really close in my face..with her brown eyes..and when i say brown eyes..i mean...the whites were brown...

she says.." hunny, do i have anything on my pants"

and as i stare at her black satin tucas...i say..

"yes..there is a water spot about thissss big right on your butt hole"

and she said.."oh yeah..i did that ....myself."

and walks away....

i really did not say butt hole. but I WANTED TO.

brown thumbs DUN taste like chocOlataahh

i was just pooping. you know..my stomach was all up in rumbles..
probably do to that three pound bowl of ice cream i ate at 3am.
which is ALWAYS  a real stupid idea...especially for someone who is
SLIGHTLY...lactose intolerant.
actually. everyone is a little..
i think every food just gives me gas.
you know..before and after i used to eat anything..i would eat beanooo and gas x...
and than pop some lact aid.
oh these...just some drugs to keep me happy. ;)
poppN pills to keep everyone else no their toes.
"I thought reychl did not do drugs but i see her popping pills all the time"
DO YOU WANT ME TO FART ON YOUR FACE.
probably not.....

so i was [pooping]...and the inevitable happens

 

kinda like....

 

and i say kind of..because my poop is vegetarian..which means it really can at as a fertilizer...

mypoop == horse poop. DONE.

WHYYYY. did i have to have mushy pooop.

because now i have a solid thumb..with brown MUSHHYYY crap on it...

so i am like..whatever....but than my mind gets to thinking.

i should write about this..and as i was wiping and putting my pants back on..

yes...i do take off my pants while i crap.

it is so much better...remember..if you need to cannon ball..this is the easiest way to do so.

NO PANTS.

i forgot....like i need to really forget...

so now..only half the crap remains on my finger..and the other half?

we can pretend it is not on my pajamers...SOMEWHERE.

because i hate doing laundry....and i mean..it was not THAT much poop. :o)

but lucky for me..the smell is off my finger.

you know how sometimes..the smell remains on your finger for the longest time?

i am so glad it is not there..

you know what i actually end up doing?

 

you got it...

i usually put that thumb in my mouth and pretend that my saliva will take away the smell..

it usually does not taste like crap.

i...promise ;o)

i wash my hands before! daaaaaaaaaang.

and even though it rarely works..i still try it ..every time i still have poop thumb after sanitizing ze hands.

haha. i am like a dog who eats their poop.

and than wants a kiss.

MUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

coin slots lookN brown are sexiii

i just thought of this because well...the tag of my knickers was itching the top of my coin slot today.
i enjoy that term.
coin slot..mainly because lindsay lohans SNL skit..which was hilarious.
coin slot cream..for all those people whose butt cracks leak over their jeans..
OHHSHOOOOOT. sexi.

ohyes. so as the tag itched me...i was like..i am soo glad this is not itching the same time as my butt crack.
because when my hair grows back in the crack of my tucas.
it totally itches.
because well.. i have hair in my butt crack. but not anymore..
because i take it away from its natural habitat.
sooo longggg hair.

 

but than that got me thinking.

of the term... brown eyed monster.

NOT

the one eyed monster

THE  brown eyed monster

 

i tried drawing an eye in the butt hole. 

i give myself an A+.

and while thinking of that...i went into my bedroom..

dropped trow....bent over...and totally spread my butt cheeks ...hello brown eye..so nice to meet you.

i realized...wow..my butt crack is not that dark..i would never get my butt crack bleached..because it looks good to me. i have a fine looking crack of brownies.

not saying if your butt crack is dark..you should get it bleached..because i would not care.

i only care if you can clap that booty...if you can do that.

and those cheeks can gitty up in my face...DONE.

but than i saw my mole ..right inside my crack...and you know what THIS reminded me of.

peeing on my sister... in the bath when i was 7.

 

no worries. she got me back -

yep..you guessed it..she pushed me down the stairs naked ....

so what i am trying to get at is..

when your butt crack itches...it is probably because you have dried poop in your tucas crack ..because your sister placed it there while you were sleeping to get back at you when you pooped on her as a child.

dip and check. splash and catch

and by dip and check...i simply mean...

 

:o) you never have to be curious what you taste like again.

if you just taste yourself from the beginning<3.

DUUUNNHHHHHH.

and if you want to surprise your banging buddy and give them a laugh.

eat broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage and lots o' dairy :O) :O) :O)

make your vagina seem like a monster.

your vaginas a monster. ohhohhh. i can see this spin on a gaga song.

although i would rather gaga spin on me

or sit on me

or...

do not worry fellas. i will not leave you out.

 

get your aim on...and see what you want your partner to swallow - for your own selfish pleasure. ;)

mmm. i like selfish<3 

i hear scrotum sac smells like tacos....which is awesome. because a pussy is a taco...

so if a bag of balls is a taco...

it is like. ohh no...who am i having sex with. i have no idea.

it all looks and smells like a taco.

i am so confused.

you are so fun.

fun enough to go dip and check.

splash and catch.

BANGING YOURSELF TIME. is all the time.

this has nothing to do with poop

i am sure you have thought about something..and than realized..oh wow..i am stupid.
and if you have not done this.
you are clearly not thinking about much.
because i can not be the only person who is THIS amazing.

i will give you an example.
the other day...i was thinking about a high five.
yes..thinking about running up to some friends and leaping into the air...and having our wrists break from the impact of that high five.

and than it hit me.

BOOOOOOOOM

 

you ALWAYS give a high five HIGH.

and you always give it with your entire hand.

 that has five fingers...WHOLY CRAP.

a high...five...

please tell me i am not the only person to have thought of this..

at the age of 24...

unlesssss! it is like a hi hug! 

ohmy..is it like a hi five..like, instead of a verbal hi...it is a hand slap saying hi...so a hi ..with a hand..

now i am confused..

BACK TO STEP ONE IT IS.

i like moving big turds

you do not know anything about me...except well...that i am writing a blog about poop.

or maybe it is just coincidence that i am writing a blog about poop...and that those were not my original intentions...

MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT.

but.. maybe you are wrong:o)

i am a custodian at a high school. - for the time being. dAAAANNNG. super fun stuff.

so i clean washrooms. mmmm, what a delicacy . 

now - dood washrooms are gross. sure, they pee everywhere...because peeing on the floor is super fun.

they spit out their gum in the urinals..because well. they used cheerios growing up.

why not gum as a young adult.

but girls. girls are fabulous.

because you would EXPECT a girl...yes..because stereotypically...they do not fart or crap right.

they just spew blood from their vaginas...hopefully saving it monthly so they can use real blood instead of fake on hallowe'eenie.

anyways.

girls love not flushing the toilet.

and not just when they turd in it.

when they turd in a red pool of awesome.

nothing like going into a stall and seeing a huge turd....marinating in their period blood

 

sometimes...i even get a pad wrapper shoved underneath the poop. so i get to move the solid turd...to get the plastic pad wrapper..that they clearly did not want to crinkle up and put in the feminine waste container thing...located directly to their left or right.

no..they would rather put ANOTHER present inside the crapper.

so that..i thank you..

i do not even know why i am complaining about any of this...

BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST BEING SOOO GENEROUS. <3.

 

that is my poop stick. 

seriously though. 

i often times..want to take a sample of the crap..and from like. dna science junk..figure out who this is...and embarrass them. because - well, i hate them. :o)

so....how am i going to turn this into i have all the answers.

well...here it is.

EAT LESS PROTEIN GIRLFRAN.

eat more mcdonalds and cookies and candy bars..PLEASE.

i want your crap to come out liquid..so i do not have to put on my purple suit to decontaminate your butt hole droppings.

brown and red

ohyes. so i go to bed ...with a pad on..because well....i think i am going to start my period?
about three weeks ago..i start eating everything in sight...and my belly never stops looking pregnant.
which is adorable..when you are pregnant..
oh gluttony..oh jesus..please allow me into heaven..for i have sinned..over..and over..again.
hahah.

and than about 1.5 weeks go by..and i feel okay..and now i just get massive leg cramps...
i am almost positive this is because all the blood is almost ready to fall out of my vagina..
instead of circulate through my legs.
complete logical sense.

and than there it goes...spotting..kool aid...pink lemonade flavoured....coming out...
you know what that means....it is almost time...time for...

REGULARITY!!

guys have no idea what i am talking about
why..because dudes crap like 7 times a day without trying.
and if you are a chick and do the same thing..just know you have one jealous fan.
her name is reychl.
ohh..
reychl == me.

SO FINALLLYYYYYY.

every morning....i will wake up to...a full tampon....and a leaky pad.
which i prefer to pretend the pad is a blanket for the little baby falling out of me.
which would be the tampon.
see..when you think of it this way...it is way ca-uter...
ohh. like button noses on real people.
and the want...and the need...to allow my butt hole to gust open with the wind..
and allow a nice...soft...long turd...to drop.
drop like a male infants testes.

so everyone! stop drinking coffee to crap! and squirt katsup up your vagina....and hope that it acts as a placebo...so you have regular poops...ALWAYS!
answers.answers.anwers

weekend runs.

and i do not mean...runs out of time too fast....and it is now time to get back to work.

no...not at all.
weekend runs meaning...i ate about...3 stalks of broccoli...grown fresh from a garden i might add...
all that fiber....at what...midnight to 4am...
can you only imagine the gas in my stomach..
i could have flown a hot air balloon.
i could have killed germans in the holocaust ...with the gas fumes in my body.
seriously....
but what do i do when i wake up with my bloated belly in the morning...

yo...pour me some prune juice
i had never had it until that day...honestly...it tasted pretty delicious...
but i was like...this is going to be good...really good.
but that was not the end of it...i had some more broccoli...and for dinner....
an entire...14 ounce glass of...PRUNE JUICE..
not only prune juice..but i drank it with....my pizza?
needless to say....grease..mixed with fiber...mixed with whatever prune juice does to make you squirt for days...
i did it. and every time i would pee...this girl would poop a little...
but it was the ca-utest little poops ever...
how can poop be cute you ask?
well..little trees were coming out of my butt hole.

and by little trees...i mean...broccoli sprouts...were whole...on my toilet paper..
i could have washed them. and have eaten them once again...
hoping for a proper digestion this time...
but no..little happy trees. coming out of my happy place.
is that not..the cautest visual ...
yes. so when you are down..
just eat broccoli...and drink prune juice.
so you too...can smile ..at the smiling sprouts...exiting your happy place.

wind to crotch

okay..sooo..do you have this problem?
do you have an air vent...sitting directly in front of you as you try and poop.
how can you relax...HOW CAN YOU RELAX.
when the air conditioning is jet bluing at you like you want to be cooled.
i know pushing is strenuous..i really do...
my poop rarely comes out like my favourite, diarrhea.
it is mainly hard and stick like and it enjoys cutting open my butt hole.

but i really do not need air conditioning blowing at my crotch to make it come out ..
as a matter of fact..i am almost positive...that the air conditioning blowing directly at my crotch..
some how is absorbed through my skin..and sent to harden my crap..so it never comes out.
i can not relax and poop when i am shivering.
i am not saying i love the hot hot hot heat..while i poop..because than it just smells awful.
well, not awful..i feel the worst smell in the universe is poop smell attempted to be covered by lysol.
disgusting.


and ...who likes to poop with their pants at their thighs still...i mean..if i did...air conditioning to the crotch..would not happen..it would be blocked by pants....
i like to poop with my pants and knickers off...i am just more comfortable that way..
especially when i have to pull up the legs to canon ball the poop out of me.

anyways...i guess i could just close the vent ..before i poop.
look at that..
i do have the answer after all ;o)

do you sit..stand..or squat

so you are sitting on the toilet...umm, not any toilet...a public toilet...that
probably...had urine stains on the seat...and you contemplated..
welll...
do i put a ring of toilet paper down...and watch it ...fall into the toilet as i hurry up..and swing around..
and push a huge chunk of wind to the seat...

do i.....squat over the seat...and hope to stand up..and walk out of the bathroom..without pee stains all over my blue jeans....

do i...bring my own toilet seat covers...so i do not have to deal with this problem...

i say...who cares...your pee. is my pee.
let us focus on the real matter...what can you do to disgust the person next to you.
do not bring a toilet seat cover with you..no...bring a little jar of peanut butter.
so you can grab some scott toilet paper that is see through...rub some light brown smooth ..and creamy...
jiffy all over it...
and whoops.

accidentally drop that mess...near the other stall...
and pick it up with your bare palm touching the goop.

hopefully you exit the stall at the same time as the person next to you...
so you can lick it off your hand instead of washing it.

;)
i told you.
i have the answers.

do you sleep...wipe..or...

ever thought to yourself..
wow...i just had the biggest crap of my life...and am exhausted..
now what...do i wipe or do i fall asleep ..sitting on the toilet as the crap gets hard..and dries to
the brown eyed monster.

and...what happens if i look to the left..or right..or in front of me..and realize...
the brown cardboard is staring at me...and is not dressed with white fluff.
i have the answer.

you wipe if you can.
falling asleep on the toilet sounds like a good idea..until you wake up ...and forget you had crapped...and you pull up those wonderful knickers you bought ...thinking they were sexy...just to have them covered in poo.
and ...if that brown cardboard stares at you...and you think..using a towel is a good idea...i will punch you.
hop in the shower..
spread them cheeks...and clap your booty to the sound of water tapping that tucas.

i told you i had the answers.